You.

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#notetoself

 

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Darling.

Dear darlin’, please excuse my writing. 

I can’t stop my hands from shaking 

'Cause I’m cold and alone tonight. 

I miss you and nothing hurts like no you. 

And no one understands what we went through. 

It was short. 

It was sweet. 

We tried. 

We tried.

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To love at all is to be vulnerable.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

- C.S. Lewis

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We will get through this.

Accompanying Fana at her lab last night. And it was freaking 2 a.m.. Whatever the reasons are, we chose this. Postgraduate study demands a lot of time, efforts and support. I know what desperation feels like. I know how difficult it is to cling onto a shimmer light of hope. And I know how important it is to have someone who understands what you are going through. Be strong and hang on. We will get through this. ♥

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Dear October

Dear October,

I need you to be awesome. 

“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.”

- Daniell Koepke

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The Road Not Taken.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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In two parts.

You come and go so easily,

your life is as you knew --

while mine is split in two.

How I envy so the half of me,

who lived before love's due,

who was yet to know of you.

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The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore.

There's no use in trying when the pieces don't fit here anymore.

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Inevitably.

I'm the type of person where 
I would tell myself 'I should move on', 
but I'll find myself running back to you. 

I would tell myself 'Maybe, we should just be friends', 
but I find myself catching feelings for you every time I try to lose them. 

I would tell myself 'I shouldn't forgive you after what you did', 
but I find myself not being able to stay mad at you forever. 

I would tell myself 'Perhaps you're better off with someone else', 
but I always find myself thinking I don't want you to be with anyone else except me.

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Unprecedented.

This

is

an 

unprecedented

situation

I 

honestly

don't know

how

to 

deal with.

Maybe,

just maybe

how 

to deal

with

it

is that

I 

just

shouldn't

try to.

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Life is more black and white than it seems.

If you're laying in bed   

wrapped up in sheets

of miserable thought,

go to sleep.

If thumbing through old messages

only causes your heart to ache

and long for something 

unattainable

erase them.

If it hurts to keep

everything you're feeling

bottled up inside

let it out.

If you're clinging onto someone

that doesn't treat you like

you're worth the world

let them go.

Because sometimes

we choose to believe

that things are only

indistinguishable shades of gray

when in reality,

life is more black and white

than it seems.

If you're unhappy

with the way

you are living your life

change it.

m.k.

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Had I known these before.

• Scooting around feelings won't do justice to myself. Fighting the feelings will only intensify them, that's what they say. And they are not wrong. 
• Accepting the feelings makes them easier to deal with. They're there if they are there. They aren't if they are not. 
• People will change. They will change their minds. Like they always do.
• I will change, too.
• I am not gonna fool around with anyone's life plan and feelings just because I am unsure of my own.
• Don't hold on just because you think you'll never find someone else. Because, wanting to leave is enough reason to go.
• I play by the rules. My rules, for most of the time.
• I must do a lot of things in life that I don't want to do.  
• Everyone seems to get their life pieced together, except me.
• Some answers don't come easy. And most of them don't come at all.
• But sometimes, it is alright not to know all the answers.
• We shouldn't settle for anything less. Don't settle until you have it, if that's what you really want.
• Failures are answers to questions you had the courage to ask.
• Your uncertainty should tell you that at the very least, you need to explore other avenues. And if those roads lead you back, great. If they don’t, great. That's what they said.
  
  But I hate uncertainties. 

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Choosing, in life.

It is not the fear of moving on that scares me. It is the fear of never going back.

They never told us just how much it would cost to choose in life.

They never told us that even though you can move on from certain things, 

it may in turn cost you your heart.These decisions we face may turn us into either saints or monsters,

but it has to be worth more than becoming nothing at all..

- Mary Kate Teske  

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Absolute nothing.

Kak Norsha even prepared this for me.
On my side, absolutely nothing is progressing. #facepalm

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Travel back, down that road.

And I thought I would never have to study for exams anymore.

Frankly, the more I learn, the more I realize the less I know.

Which is very good for me.

Although, this also means more troubles are awaiting, considering the situation I'm in.

I really have no idea as to why I've chosen to take the class despite that I've already fulfill my credit requirements. In fact this subject was the one I hated the most back then. 

As if I am done with my lab works. 

As if I have that much free time. 

As if I am not tied to other commitments. 

And as if I've started writing my thesis. 

I guess it was just me finding ways to get away from the same people, same surroundings or it is simply just me, being stubborn.

So why don't you, dear exam, be easy on me. ♥

That's the problem with being strong - people think they can say or do anything to you and you’re gonna still be standing, sturdy like a rock. People think that you’re never going to be sad, people think that you’re never going need them to be there for you, people expect you to be there for them round the clock even though you have your own battles to fight. That’s the problem with being strong.

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I thought I am done with the expectations. Looks like I am not, and that ruins almost everything.

Should I stop here?

because I have feelings that this time it is not going to work either.

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Hey There

Stumbled upon one of his vids when I was looking up for a song suggested by a friend
and I just can't get enough of this guy. 

*_*

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Wake up call.

If "stubborn" is the word, then so be it. :)

“When you feel perpetually unmotivated, you start questioning your existence in an unhealthy way; everything becomes a pseudo intellectual question you have no interest in responding whatsoever. This whole process becomes your very skin and it does not merely affect you; it actually defines you. So, you see yourself as a shadowy figure unworthy of developing interest, unworthy of wondering about the world — profoundly unworthy in every sense and deeply absent in your very presence.”

— Ingmar Bergman

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I am a paradox.

I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad.

I'm lazy, yet I am ambitious.

I don't like myself, but I also love who I am.

I say I don't care, but I really do.

I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way.

I'm a conflicted contradiction.

If I can't figure myself out,

there's no way anyone else has.

People say hate is a strong word, but so is love.

and people throw that around like its nothing.

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I simply won't think of anything I don't like.

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I am better with you.

No you’re not! No you are not! You haven’t been for quite some time.                  

I know that you lied to me several weeks ago when you said that my father had renewed your contract. I found out when I telephoned him last week. I’m not angry. If anything, I am grateful. You saw that I was in a raw state and you stayed, see me through it. Now, when I learned of the lie, however, I deliberately adopted a more sanguine mood. I wanted you to see that I was well again so you could move on.

But the most curious thing happened; you stayed. Days passed, then a week. It became clearer and clearer that you were not staying for me, but for yourself.

It’s difficult for you to say aloud, I know, so I won’t ask you to. Rather, I would ask you to consider a proposal.

Stay on permanently, not as my sober companion, but as my companion. 

See, this is an important decision, and I encourage you to discuss it with others. Explain what you have been to me, and what I believe you can be to me: partner.

Oh, and lest you think this is an act of charity, a gift from a grateful client, let me assure you, it is not. 

I am better with you, Watson. I’m sharper, I’m more focused. Difficult to say why, exactly. Perhaps in time I’ll solve that as well.

This is by far, my favorite moment of all episodes. 

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もうわかないよ、ばか。

It is strange how all of a sudden, I don't know what I want anymore.

Can I just disappear? :(

How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?

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: If it is meant to be, then it will.

I still have to keep reminding myself that what comes easy won't last. And what lasts, usually never come easy. Some things seemed to move way too fast and farfetched from what I would have imagined, that they have left me confused.

The more I tried to think and keep up, the further behind I would get.

Probably I am scared, too.

Although it sounds too good to be true, it is true nevertheless. 
I hope I can say the same thing, but I honestly doubt that it would happen.

Not in my case, at least.

Do not chase people. Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.

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You just do.

“You know, the bad thing about falling in love with someone is that it always comes with, ‘Oh, I really do hope he is the one for me’, ‘This is going to be different, see’, ‘I’ll never find someone else in the world who’s better than him’. Then you start doing stupid things and thinking stupid things and saying stupid things because you think that person is meant for you, and you keep seeing signs when they’re not there. And then when it’s over and they leave you, your expectations will break you because you’ll think you weren’t enough to make them stay.”

Still, you don't decide who you fall in love with, you just do.

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#stop

   Stop falling too fast and so easily for someone. 
   Stop jumping to another person right away after it didn't work out with someone else. 
   Stop wanting to be with someone just because you're lonely. 
   Stop texting them when you know you shouldn't. 
   Stop checking their Facebook after couple minutes. 
   Stop worrying while they're out with other people. 
   Stop getting your own hopes and expectations up. 

   You've heard this story over and over again and you already know how it ends. 
   They're just playing games with you and you keep losing.

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You ever walk into a situation where you know exactly what’s going to happen: And then you go into it anyway… and then when what you’re afraid of happens, you kick yourself, because you should have known better. But that’s just who you are, so you keep punishing yourself.”

—	Mary Margaret - Once Upon A Time

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#always

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#midnightrants

Now that I need to draft a manuscript for publication, I realized how difficult it is to put down all the thoughts. To arrange everything so that it will be smooth. To relate points so that it will make sense.

And, I also have come to realize how incompetent I am for grad school. I don't know how can Abang Aizat supervise my undergraduate final year project back then while he himself is in the middle of his MSc. research. On that note, given that I am still like this, I don't think I can teach, let alone supervise anyone.

Much, much respect to him.

Again, mekasih Abg Aizat!
Now I am grateful to you more than ever. :)

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The year that just went by.

As compared to previous years, the year 2012 has been quite a handful, with its fair share of troubles, headaches, pain and of course, happiness and love. 

With so many friends have gotten engaged, married and started having babies, Umi has started pressuring me into finding someone and get married, or engaged at least. Now, that is something I haven't had up until now. Heck, it was quite difficult into finding answers to all of her questions, and thank God I am still studying, which is the best legitimate excuse I can find. Not entirely sure the same excuse could save me this year though. :V

Some may say that I was being too hard on myself. I may be so, but if it is what it takes to compensate the lousy choice I made, then what else do I have left? It has come to my realization that the only way I can ensure a good future is by living a good present, utilizing whatever things I have and making the most out of them. It is no longer my choice, I'm afraid. In my case, the efforts are no longer taken into account, it's all the results that matter, the actual success, which appear to be very few and far between.

The year that just went by made me to understand that someone and/or something aren't worth the effort anymore. And that certain things need to be put to an end. Somehow I think we really should know what we are worth, and try not to settle for anyone who doesn't know. Like seriously. Words shouldn't get us to be all that impressed, for they are just words, uttered to please, getting hopes up high, but oftentimes they are just deceiving, totally derailing us from the reality.

Had I not gone through all these times, I wouldn't have known certain people whom I began to value now. This year, some of them are going to leave, pursuing different paths and it sorta leave me in the dark just to think about it. Yeah, I am that dependent when it comes to certain people, for they know what I need to endure all these while. It is not that I don't trust other people. It is just that it is too tiring to repeat the same thing every single day, it is pointless to whine on the same thing without being able to do anything about it even if I tried to. If it is exhausting for me just to talk about it, why wouldn't it be so for the people having to listen to me every single day? Having these thoughts, I chose to bottle up the feelings I have and somehow it has left me a total wreck.

I may not have expressed myself enough and sometimes, if not most of the times, I appear not to care at all. But believe me when I say I am thankful for all the warmth and kindness I have received so far. There are things I know I can't afford to repay and thank you guys enough, so I hope that all of you know how grateful I am for your presence.

2012 has also prove that fairy tales do exist. I don't need to say anything further, do I? :)

There are few things I've realized along the way, and perhaps I should make some changes for the upcoming days. Write a better story and be a better me, that is. :)

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