. Just a Little Bit of Everything .

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Now that I need to draft a manuscript for publication, I realized how difficult it is to put down all the thoughts. To arrange everything so that it will be smooth. To relate points so that it will make sense.

And, I also have come to realize how incompetent I am for grad school. I don't know how can Abang Aizat supervise my undergraduate final year project back then while he himself is in the middle of his MSc. research. On that note, given that I am still like this, I don't think I can teach, let alone supervise anyone.

Much, much respect to him.

Again, mekasih Abg Aizat!
Now I am grateful to you more than ever. :)

The year that just went by.

12:33:00 AM Unknown 13 comments

As compared to previous years, the year 2012 has been quite a handful, with its fair share of troubles, headaches, pain and of course, happiness and love.

With so many friends have gotten engaged, married and started having babies, Umi has started pressuring me into finding someone and get married, or engaged at least. Now, that is something I haven't had up until now. Heck, it was quite difficult into finding answers to all of her questions, and thank God I am still studying, which is the best legitimate excuse I can find. Not entirely sure the same excuse could save me this year though. :V

Some may say that I was being too hard on myself. I may be so, but if it is what it takes to compensate the lousy choice I made, then what else do I have left? It has come to my realization that the only way I can ensure a good future is by living a good present, utilizing whatever things I have and making the most out of them. It is no longer my choice, I'm afraid. In my case, the efforts are no longer taken into account, it's all the results that matter, the actual success, which appear to be very few and far between.

The year that just went by made me to understand that someone and/or something aren't worth the effort anymore. And that certain things need to be put to an end. Somehow I think we really should know what we are worth, and try not to settle for anyone who doesn't know. Like seriously. Words shouldn't get us to be all that impressed, for they are just words, uttered to please, getting hopes up high, but oftentimes they are just deceiving, totally derailing us from the reality.

Had I not gone through all these times, I wouldn't have known certain people whom I began to value now. This year, some of them are going to leave, pursuing different paths and it sorta leave me in the dark just to think about it. Yeah, I am that dependent when it comes to certain people, for they know what I need to endure all these while. It is not that I don't trust other people. It is just that it is too tiring to repeat the same thing every single day, it is pointless to whine on the same thing without being able to do anything about it even if I tried to. If it is exhausting for me just to talk about it, why wouldn't it be so for the people having to listen to me every single day? Having these thoughts, I chose to bottle up the feelings I have and somehow it has left me a total wreck.

I may not have expressed myself enough and sometimes, if not most of the times, I appear not to care at all. But believe me when I say I am thankful for all the warmth and kindness I have received so far. There are things I know I can't afford to repay and thank you guys enough, so I hope that all of you know how grateful I am for your presence.

2012 has also prove that fairy tales do exist. I don't need to say anything further, do I? :)

There are few things I've realized along the way, and perhaps I should make some changes for the upcoming days. Write a better story and be a better me, that is. :)

You Broke My Heart and I Let You.

11:35:00 PM Unknown 4 comments

When you like someone it should be obvious to everyone in the vicinity that you’re making each other feel sensations you didn’t even know were possible. Electricity when you touch. Melt at their smile. And you’re supposed to let the person you like know you’re into them. Drop hints. Send them “Do you like me Y/N?” texts. Otherwise, we will drive ourselves wild analyzing every text message our loves and lusts send, everything they’ve ever said, every innuendo they ever gave.

The fool-proof, human-emotion science of it all is, the more you pull away, the more we chase. Chasing after someone who doesn’t love you anymore or isn’t into you “like that” is the worst. You’re the one sitting by the phone, waiting for them to respond to a text you sent hours ago. You’re the one debating whether you should re-text them first, throwing a tantrum where you’re all, Fine. If you’re not going to text me back then I’m going to turn my phone all the way off for the rest of the day so that when you finally do decide to text me back I don’t text YOU back for hours, too. You’re the one who invites them over to “watch a movie,” the international sign for let’s make out and dry hump on the futon, and when nothing happens, you’re the one who comes away feeling like a desperate idiot. But you’re not desperate — you’re just really in-like.

You broke my heart and I let you. We were one, but somewhere, something went wrong. You stopped trying. You stopped texting me cute, funny stuff throughout the day. The sexy pics stopped. The dates stopped. You stopped and the excuses started. The writing was on the wall as they say, but I looked away from it even though I should have known better. I chased you anyway.

But why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we let people break our hearts when we always know better?

We want to feel loved — by you. It’s scary because we feel this intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical connection to you. And we’re lucky to ever find even two of those connections in a single person, so having all four feels like hitting the jackpot, which probably explains why the sex is so good. That’s why we keep chasing, that’s why we keep hoping. Our rational brains and BFFs tell us NO, NO, NO, but our loins and emotions tell us that you feel so good.

No matter how much our loves and likes hurt us, we always imagine that they will wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly realize what a hot titty we are, that they will come to their senses and bring us a bouquet of roses and our favorite chocolates, just like the last scene of every movie. So we keep hoping, we keep chasing. And sometimes they do come around, and if they don’t we have to learn to stop running and give it a rest. Emotions like jealousy, anger, anxiety — these are all ways our bodies tell us that something isn’t quite right. But sometimes, we want this person to like us so much that we toss all rational thought and human warning signs aside in hopes that things will be different, that one day they will come around, because you really hope they will.

I once heard in a Sex and the City, which is where everybody should go for relationship advice, episode that there can only ever be one “star” in the relationship — the person who gets tended to, celebrated and, well, chased after. The star/person being chased gets to just sit there and enjoy the adulation. But that’s not fair. There should be mutual chasing, and maybe if there were, our hearts wouldn’t get broken so often.

By MADISON MOORE